A tyrannical boss can make life tough, but with these strategies for managing upward, it’s possible to limit the damage
Writing Kate Lowry
Have you ever spent time around someone who made you feel like you had to walk on eggshells? Maybe it was a leader of a community group, a family leader, or a boss at work. Did it seem that no matter what you said, it was the wrong thing? And there was no obvious way out?
If you have felt this way, you are not alone. Far from it: fear-based leadership – a top-down, hierarchical, cruel leadership style – is increasingly in vogue. Here’s why – and how you can handle fear-based leaders when you’re unfortunate enough to encounter them.
Rooted in fear
Fear-based leadership earns its name not only from the effect that it has on people subjected to cruel behavior – but because, secretly, fear-based leaders are themselves motivated by fear. They lie awake at night with the subconscious whispering, “Am I enough? Will they ever like me?” And because fear is what gets them out of bed in the morning, it’s what they seek to use to motivate others.
In their world, it’s step on or be stepped on. There’s no such thing as equality. They expect absolute control, absolute obedience, and fealty for life. They resent humanity’s ‘weaknesses’ –emotions, variety, standards of civility – and wish that everyone could be more like a machine, so they could disregard the suffering they cause. To them, the rules don’t apply to the people on top – and if you’re not on top, then you, your thoughts and your feelings don’t matter. When they have got what they need from you, they will gladly throw you away like an old shoe.
Fear-based leaders speak in terms of emotion and power dynamics, not logic – and this is reflected in how they interact with the world around them. When around them, it’s more important that you reply with the appropriate level of deference than that you reply with fact.
Of course, this leadership isn’t new. It’s a style we see regularly in movies and TV shows: Game of Thrones, House of Cards and Billions are full of fear-based leaders. Familiar as it may be, it remains deeply short-sighted. When people are afraid, they aren’t calm enough to think strategically. They hesitate to bring up the big ideas necessary to innovate. They downplay and try to avoid reporting mistakes – even critical ones that create risk for the company. The result is that fear-based leaders burn through talent like tinder, creating constant churn and instability.
Why it’s growing
To some, fear-based leadership may feel archaic – yet it is a growing problem. We have entered a new gloves-off era of bad executive behavior. It used to be that leaders at least pretended to care about their employees, but now, power is in vogue – and it’s a particular type of power. When they say, “Jump!” you say, “How high?”
We see it in Elon Musk’s slashing of Twitter, Meta’s ‘Year of Efficiency,’ and the indifference that companies like Microsoft have appeared to show over employees dying at their desks. In tech, in business, in the social sector – fear-based leaders can be found anywhere in the halls of power.
When I started my career, about three in ten of the leaders I encountered could be considered fear-based. Now, it’s closer to seven – and in some circles the number could be even higher. At one Silicon Valley gathering I recently attended, every one of my peers said they currently had a boss like this.
Partly, this is because being a service-minded, strengths-based leader is the harder path – one that achieves far better business results, but not one easily walked by people who are drawn to power for power’s sake. Post-Covid, our world seems to have become a harsher place, where there’s less resistance to bad behavior. More and more, it’s every person for themselves. And when you don’t know how to escape adverse situations, it can be bleak: if every company you join has bad folks at the helm, it feels like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. But there is hope.
Common misconceptions
The impact of fear-based leadership can lead people into making mistakes in how they think about those leaders. One is to accept their superiority. Fear-based leaders might tell you: “I am all-powerful! You are nothing without me. Without me, you are hopeless. You’re so bad at everything, no one else will ever want to hire you.”
Plainly, this is not true. They’re just posturing, puffing themselves up to try to impress and control others. It’s easy to be impressed, at first, by the trappings of their positions: they are often charismatic or wrapped in wealth and status. But they are not truly impressive.
Then there is the feeling of being deeply stuck around fear-based leaders: like there was never a time before, and will never be a time after them. This, again, is not true. They’re mere mortals. Yet it is undoubtedly hard to run from them; with the prevalence of fear-based leadership in organizations right now, complete escape is unlikely.
Another misunderstanding relates to loyalty. Some people think that they will be rewarded for being loyal vassals – only to find they are regarded as little more than sheep, or tools. One is more useful than the other, but neither is an equal.
Managing fear-based leaders
In reality, fear-based leaders are unoriginal, predictable and deeply insecure. Their power has limits, and their arrogance makes them so blind that their ego creates large shadows to hide in.
If you know how to upwardly manage them, you both protect the things that you care about, and thrive. Here are 15 rules to limit the damage inflicted by fear-based leaders.
1. Withhold any information about what you actually care about Don’t let fear-based leaders know what matters to you: that way, they won’t take it away or torch it to manipulate you.
2. Lead them to water Try to share facts with them in a way that makes the choice you want them to make very obvious – then praise them for thinking of something you “never would have thought of” yourself. They’ll be more bought into solutions if they think it’s their idea.
3. When in doubt, validate, validate, validate They will let their guard down if you are empathetic, compassionate and participatory in terms of confirming and naming their experience. It can feel counterintuitive to treat someone who is relatively monstrous with compassion – but pity them. They will never learn how to truly connect with others.
4. Get them talking People like this love to go on harangues: about how they’ve been wronged, about how hard their life is, about other peoples’ inadequacies. This can be hard to stomach, but it helps you learn more about their thinking.
5. Let them underestimate you Let yourself become invisible in plain sight. If they don’t know you’re capable, they’re less likely to target you or see you as a threat.
6. Make them look good In a system of alphas and betas, the number one thing a beta can do is push an alpha up the ladder. You won’t be appreciated, but you won’t be axed, either.
7. Don’t shop for milk at the hardware store You wouldn’t expect a hardware store to carry milk and, likewise, you’ll be disappointed if you’re looking for this kind of leader to actually lead. They’re going to do the immature thing, the vindictive thing, the petty thing – and if you can predict it, you can plan for it.
8. Remember that your identity is determined by you, not them They cannot take away who you are, what you value, or what you love. Define yourself on your own terms – not the role they tell you to play.
9. Decide early which lines you will, and will not cross Only you can decide what your lines in the sand are – so identify them in advance, and have a strategy ready in case you’re asked to do things you find unsavory or risky. You can play dumb and misunderstand the instructions, fob it off on someone else, or play into the leader’s idea that “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself” by being slow about it.
10. Fill your own cup These types of people are draining to be around, so make sure you are intentional about engaging in activities, friendships or communities where you can fully be yourself and be restored.
11. Meet them where they’re at A person’s emotional age doesn’t necessarily match their body age. If your leader throws a lot of tantrums, recognize that their capacity is close to a toddler’s. Give them a lot of breaks, always have distractions ready, make sure that meetings have snacks.
12. Don’t fall for false generosity Just because you can’t see the string doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. These are not generous people, no matter how deep their motives are hidden.
13. Learn to negotiate with thieves Expect them to negotiate in bad faith and plan for it. Use game theory; hide what you actually want within larger asks.
14. Don’t get too used to it Remind yourself every day what normal, considerate, caring behavior is. Don’t let yourself get too comfortable in terrible waters.
15. Don’t react Attention and reactions give fear-based leaders energy. Pretend that you are inert: a gray rock or a rubber tire. Even if they metaphorically kick or rage at you, avoid reaction; they will eventually get bored.
Nothing is predetermined
The rise of fear-based leadership represents one of the most toxic trends in modern workplace culture, but it doesn’t have to define your professional experience. While these leaders may seem all-powerful, understanding their predictable patterns and deep-seated insecurities can give you significant leverage. The 15 strategies outlined here aren’t just survival tactics, but tools for reclaiming your agency. Don’t believe these leaders when they tell you resistance is futile. You’re more powerful than you know.
As you practice these techniques, remember that you’re building resilience and strategic thinking skills that will serve you throughout your career. You’re also protecting your mental health and professional integrity while navigating challenging circumstances.
The current rise of fear-based leadership is alarming, but it’s also unsustainable. Organizations led by fear consistently underperform, lose top talent, and fail to innovate. By refusing to be broken by these leaders and modeling healthier relationship dynamics in your own interactions, you’re contributing to the eventual shift back toward more humane, effective leadership.
Your worth isn’t determined by how a fear-based leader treats you. Stay connected to your values, maintain your support systems, and remember that this too shall pass.
Kate Lowry is a CEO coach, venture capitalist, and author of Unbreakable: How to Thrive Under Fear-Based Leaders (Scaleheart Press)
