The demands of working life can wear down even the most confident leader. Put a spring back in your step by tapping into past successes
Have you ever had one of those days when you felt all your confidence drain out of you? When you look ahead and have no idea how you will be able to solve the problem that lies before you?
I’m in a small theater rehearsal room at Boston University’s School for Fine Arts, standing on a tight wire six feet off the ground. I have a vise-like grip on the safety bar. I slowly ease myself down until my feet are securely planted on the floor. The relief is overwhelming.
I’ve been working full time at Boston University for three years, and it’s longer than that since I was performing as a wire walker. I missed the excitement – which is why I have accepted a job as the opening act for a holiday party for 2,500 people. I had just eight short weeks to get into performance shape. I had a place to practice that had wires set up at two heights, but I avoided the higher-level wire until week four. It wasn’t looking good. I needed help, so I called my coach who had taught me how to walk. We spent three days together and he reconnected me with my confidence. We laughed, and he made the process fun.
After we created a solid routine, he said, “There will come a time, just before you are introduced, when you will feel a deep sense of dread and foreboding. We need to create a plan for that.” I was to vigorously shake my body and release all tension. Then I was to focus on my audience and the experience I wanted to create for them.
Now, it’s show time. I’m standing in the wings waiting for the MC to introduce me, and right on cue, it lands: that feeling of dread. A cold sweat. I can see nothing but failure.
Immediately, I go into my practice and shake off the tension; I stand tall and breathe deeply. Blood comes to my face. I picture a jubilant audience. I hear my name announced. I feel the joy.
The road to leadership
Confidence is the bedrock upon which we build our lives and careers. For many of us, confidence starts with building technical skills. We become subject matter experts. Our confidence becomes stronger when we apply our knowledge to solve complex problems. It is at these times that we feel in our best selves.
But what happens when we need to step up to the next level of leadership? When we need to step onto the wire that’s several feet higher? How do we get comfortable? It begins with having a vision of ourselves as a leader, and for who we are in the process of becoming. Then we need to develop a strategy for getting there. Invariably, we will face obstacles that threaten to stop us attaining our purposeful goals. How do we learn to overcome these barriers?
For me, regaining my confidence was about asking for help. I needed support to reconnect to my confidence, which was lying dormant within me. For others, it might be overcoming self-imposed limitations or a traumatic past. For most of us, it takes a period of honest self-reflection to discover the four keys to confidence: our ‘signature stance’, a physical posture that provides a sense memory of confidence; a mindset of excellence; an energetic state; and an emotional state. Think of the process of discovering them as an archaeological dig into our own authentic story.
Self-reflection is how you start
I’m at a leadership conference in upstate New York and I’m having a conversation with Hope, a highly competent early-career woman. She turns to me and says, “The director in my office said I need to improve my executive presence.” As she speaks, her shoulders slump and her voice weakens. She looks lost. She loves her job, she explains, but her director is excessively hard on her and it is destroying her confidence. Hope has a critical presentation coming up in two weeks – if it does not go well, she fears she will be looking for another job.
I ask Hope to tell me about a time in her life when she showed up as the best version of herself. After a moment, a gentle smile lights up her face. She explains how she played flute in an award-winning high school marching band, taking part in the Columbus Day Parade in New York. I ask her to stand and show me her playing posture. As she lifts her arms her presence is transformed. She stands tall and confident, and exudes joy. This is a posture earned through discipline and practice.
Hope tells me that she ran the flute section, and always emphasized to her players the importance of staying in sync, whether playing or just marching: judges would take a quarter point off for the slightest distraction, which was the difference between winning and losing. Finally, Hope starts to bounce, and tells me that she always had a piece of music playing in her head to get in the groove.
As Hope spoke to me, her anxiety passed. By getting back into her flute-playing posture and visualizing herself performing, she sent a clear and positive message to herself: a sense memory of confidence. Her body, mind and spirit were in sync. This was her signature stance. I saw the changes happen before my eyes, and I experienced her as natural and powerful. We went on to create a plan of action to use the four keys to confidence in her preparation and rehearsals. The other keys included an energetic state that was fully engaged and aware; a mindset of excellence, that held herself to high standards; and an emotional state that was focused and in the flow.
Two weeks later I was delighted to hear that she nailed her presentation.
Discover your keys to confidence
When was the time you felt you were at your best? When you stood tall in your signature stance and were able to conquer the challenge before you? When you had a mindset of excellence, were energized and in a fluid emotional state?
I was first introduced to the concept of the Best Self while leading workshops on leadership presence and storytelling at Harvard Business School. The Best Self has a firm foundation in psychology. Humanistic psychologist, Carl Rogers, believed that humans have one basic motive, to self-actualize – to fulfill one’s potential. He believed that for a person to achieve self-actualization they must be in a state of congruence: a state of being where our real self and ideal self are in alignment. The real self is who we actually are: it is how we think, how we feel, and how we act. The ideal self, on the other hand, is who we want to be.
It’s an idealized image that we have developed over time, based on what we have learned and experienced.
The ideal self, on the other hand, could include components of what our parents taught us, what we admire in others, and what our society promotes, as well as what we think is in our best interest. When these two selves align, we can talk about being in our Best Self.
Getting there starts with understanding that there may be a difference in how we see ourselves (our self image), how we want others to see us (our ideal self) and how others actually experience us (our real self). This examination gives us a clear and accurate picture of our Best Self. It is how we look, feel and act when we are at our best. It is a validation of our self-image and a worthy ideal to aspire to. Through this process, we develop an understanding of the strengths and gifts we bring to situations and what others appreciate about us. We learn to appreciate what is remarkable about us and the value we bring to our roles.
Don’t leave your Best Self behind
Let me tell you about Ray, an IT manager in a global bank. Ray had a lot to contribute to his team, yet he would often slump in his chair at board meetings. When I met Ray, I was stunned by his presence: he stood 6 feet, 3 inches tall, and was clearly athletic. It turned out that he was a former international martial arts champion. However, an injury had ended his top-level career. When that happened, he packed his former self in a trunk, stowed it in the attic, and went back to school to start a career in IT. Now, when Ray sat at the management table, he felt uncomfortable and out of his element. He began to shrink.
I asked Ray to sit in a chair as though he was about to step onto the mat at a tournament. As he sat down, I saw him slowly relax into himself and get large. Very large. I asked him how he felt. “Like a fighter,” he answered. And when Ray fought, he didn’t struggle with his self-worth. Win or lose, he was showing up determined, in his words, to leave it all on the mat.
Ray needed to reclaim the part of himself that he had left behind in order to show up fully in his business meetings. If he could bring the same presence and mindset he had as a fighter, he could put his best ideas on the table without holding back. But how? I asked if he had shared his story with his leader and colleagues. He had not. He didn’t feel it was appropriate. I encouraged him to open up. When he did, his colleagues were amazed and impressed – and started sharing their own stories. It brought the entire team closer together and allowed Ray to step fully into this new chapter in his career.
Discovering the keys to your confidence
When we lose confidence, it is often because we have done what Ray did – locking up some vital part of ourselves and stashing it in the attic. But when we are leaders, that can be crippling. We need to bring all the different parts of ourselves with us to work, by tapping into our deep-seated confidence.
Rediscovering your Best Self is not about being a hero. It’s about recalling those experiences when you felt most at ease and effective. This might be when you are coaching your kid’s soccer team; when you’re in the huddle, the team looking up at you, and you’re leaning into them. Or it could be when you’re swirling around your kitchen, whipping up your favorite dinner for your best friends and serving it with panache. Or it could be something utterly unique to you.
A short exercise can help find the right experiences. Start by thinking of two or three moments or experiences in your life when you’ve felt in your Best Self. These are the times when you feel most alive, energized and effective. These memories will trigger a state of positivity and confidence. Write them down. Then choose one and answer the following questions.
Signature stance What was the posture that represented you during this Best Self moment?
Energetic state Describe your energy at this time. (E.g. calm, exuberant)
Emotional state How did you feel emotionally at this time? (E.g. courageous, playful)
Mindset How did you approach this situation? (E.g. adaptable, generous, determined)
Once you have identified your keys, try experiments to incorporate the postures and feelings from your prior experiences into your current activity.
Use visualization and your imagination
Once you’ve identified your keys, take them further by visualizing your success. We have all heard stories of famous athletes and performers when they were 12 or 13 play acting the thing that has made them famous: making a putt to win the US Open, or taking a bow at the end of their Broadway performance.
Yet these are not just silly games that kids play. They are powerful enactments that simulate reality. Brain science has proven that our minds cannot distinguish between such imagined and real experiences. It is our personal commitment to the activity that matters.
Being a leader is certain to test your confidence and nerve. Yet they can always be rediscovered. The keys to your confidence can be found in the experiences and moments that make you feel in your Best Self. Take a risk, try it on, experiment – and above all, have fun.
Rob Salafia is chief executive of Protagonist Consulting Group, a speaker and an executive coach